The Pet Clam Owner's Manual

ENJOYING AND CARING FOR THE PET CLAM
by The Clam Works

THE COMPANIONSHIP OF A CLAM

The rapidly-growing popularity of the clam as a family pet is
easy to understand. Few animals are less trouble to keep as
pets. Their needs are small, their demands minimal. Extremely
even-tempered, they seldom bite even small, boisterous children.
They never become restive on long trips or in situations that a
cat, for instance, might find very stressful. They are never
noisy, messy, or destructive, and require no grooming nor special
care of their living quarters. Their company is remarkably
soothing, and they can reduce the most intense personality to the
brink of coma.

WHERE TO GET YOUR CLAM

Pet shops are best, as with most pets. They have the knowledge
to deliver the healthiest clams, up-to-date with all their shots
and handled with care and expertise. Unfortunately, many pet
stores are reluctant to handle these creatures, as they are a
very inexpensive, hence low-profit, item. Don't take no for an
answer. Keep pestering them until they produce your clam.

Another possibility is the Marine Organism Humane Society. Look
for them in your Yellow Pages.

You can also try your town's Clam Pound.

Or just go down to the beach and pick one up.


BRINGING HOME YOUR CLAM

As soon as you arrive home with your new pet, you should take
steps to assure the animal's contentment and the bond between
you. Hold the clam to your cheek for a few hours. While doing
this, listen carefully for sounds from the shell. You may hear a
tiny heartbeat, or possibly the sounds of moving furniture. Hold
your clam closely until its breathing becomes regular. It is not
necessary to wait for purring to start; this would be a bonus.


WHERE TO KEEP YOUR CLAM

Some people keep their clams in an aquarium, similar to that used
for tropical fish. Others prefer a terrarium, sometimes shared
with turtles or gila monsters. You must be certain you have the
proper kind of clam, however, so that your new pet doesn't drown.
It is usually safest to keep your clam on your desk or under your
pillow. It is critical that you maintain the temperature in your
clam's quarters between 60 and 62 degrees Fahrenheit, or it will
die just like that.

WHAT TO FEED YOUR CLAM

No one is sure what clams like. (Alfredo DiMaggio thought he
knew, and opened a restaurant for clams in San Francisco, but it
closed in a week and a half.) To touch all bases, we recommend
immersing your clam once a week in vegetable soup, and placing it
next to a hamburger every month or so.

REPRODUCTION: WHERE CLAMS COME FROM

You should watch your clam closely if you want to witness the
miracle of life. Every twenty or thirty years, the shell will
open and a bunch of little clams will come out, not unlike clowns
from a Volkswagen. Put two clams together in a darkened shoebox
or a "Clam Motel" ($49.95 from The Clam Works) and see what
happens. Well, you can't actually see, because they won't do it
except in total darkness. But if you could see, whooeee!


TRAINING YOUR PET CLAM

Teaching clams to talk takes a long time. Like parakeets, only
longer. In fact, teaching them anything takes a long time, and
they probably can not be taught to ride bicycles or do math.
They may sing, but can not comprehend harmony or syncopation.
Other than these few limitations, clams can be trained to do
almost anything a human six-year-old can do. But you must be
patient, and not give up your efforts during the clam's lifetime.


THINGS YOU CAN DO TOGETHER

MUSIC

Listening to music is one of your clam's favorite pastimes.
Clams' musical tastes are very eclectic, and your clam will be as
happy listening to rock 'n' roll, jazz or classical music.
Country & Western does annoy them, however. Some clams like to
watch television, especially in the company of their masters, but
most quickly become bored.


MEDITATION

Be sure you allow your clam an hour or so every day to meditate.
You can tell when your clam is meditating because it will be very
quiet and will not respond to external stimuli. Best to leave it
alone at such a time, and come back later.

SPORTS AND GAMES

Most clams lack the height to play basketball, the bulk for
football, or the speed for the hundred yard dash (except under
water in a strong riptide). But their armor makes them ideal for
ice hockey, and they are especially pleased when allowed to be
goalie. Clams are short on competitive spirt, so you won't want
a clam on your team if you are obsessed with winning. On the
other hand, there is no documented case of a clam having a heart
attack on a squash court. Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Clams most enjoy non-competitive sports like sledding (they
don't even need sleds) and spin-the-bottle.

Clams do enjoy any sport that involves speed. They love to roll
down steep hills on a roller skate, but be sure they are strapped
in securely. In 1947, 641 clams rode the winning Soap Box Derby
racer in Dayton, or Toledo, or wherever they do that.

HOMEWORK

You will not have any battles over "homework time" with your
clam. In most states, clams are not allowed to go to school and,
therefore, they have no homework.


DRESSING UP

Clams rarely object when their masters dress them in goofy
clothing, so you can spend hours in such pursuits. You'll have
to accept the fact that most clothing fits your clam imperfectly,
and use your imagination. Your clam will prefer not to be
required to wear your shoes, though.


READING

In the main, clams are avid readers. Even more, they like to be
read to. Among their favorites are tales of the sea and portions
of the "C" section of the encyclopedia. They don't care if you
"act out" the stories you read to them, or use different voices
for different characters, so go ahead if you want to.


DANCING

Don't be silly.


HIDE AND SEEK

Clams are very good at hiding, and can remain still for decades
while you search for them. They hate being "it," on the other
hand, and will stubbornly refuse to even look for you.


BIRTHDAYS

Your clam will love to have a birthday party, every few weeks if
you are up to it. You can invite as many neighbor clams as you
wish. It is especially amusing to drip a little warm wax on your
clam's upper shell and place a candle right there. You will
probably hear your clam chuckle if you do this, although it is
unlikely to laugh out loud.


GIFTS

Clams are easy to buy for, as they have nothing. A few cautions:
as your clam does not have wrists, you will have to consider a
pocket watch. A sausage-and-cheese basket is always good. Clams
love scarves, but avoid plaid. No clam has ever turned down a
Lamborghini.


TRAVEL

Clams make excellent travel companions. Most airlines will not
require you to ship your clam in a carrier in the cargo hold, or
to buy a separate ticket. Your clam can ride right in your
pocket, nestled among gum wrappers and lint, and be happy as a,
er, clam.

When visiting notable historic or scenic sites, be sure to hold
your clam high over your head and turn slowly for 360 degrees, so
that he can enjoy the sights, too. It is not necessary to
respond to tactless inquiries on the part of passersby or fellow
tourists, unless they are police officers.


SHOPPING

Unlike children or spouses, clams are not very demanding on a
shopping trip. Content to be with you, they will not ask to be
bought this, or that. Given the clam's agreeable nature, women
will be pleased to find that they will stay at the mall as long
as you like without complaint, and men are usually happy to find
they are ready to leave whenever you are.


LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT PET CLAMS

Clams like to write poetry. Most people don't know this, since
none of it has ever been published. With their customary
equanimity, clams are not upset by not having found the right
agent over the centuries. Most people don't read poetry, anyway,
so a large body of published clam verse would probably escape
their notice.

How do clams move around? For the first few years, they don't.
For food, they depend on something drifting by, or Domino's.
Then they build little sets of wheels (sometimes this is the
cause of those noises inside the shell that we mentioned earlier)
and extrude them when no one is looking. Actually, humans did
not invent the wheel; somebody just spotted a clam doing this
once.

When and why does the shell open? When it's good and ready. The
shell is opened to admit guests, eat a large fish, or yell.
Clams seldom yell, of course, because not much bothers them.
Don't try to open the shell by force, as this can harm or even
kill the clam. Just wait and watch for a few years, occasionally
pressing your ear to the shell and listening. If you hear no
noises from inside for a period of ten months or more, your clam
is probably dead and you may risk opening the shell.

Do clams manufacture pearls? Clams do not manufacture pearls,
unless they are oysters, and vice versa. They do manufacture
costume jewelry and bowling trophies when there are jobs open at
the plant.


WHEN YOUR PET CLAM PASSES ON

Your beloved clam is accommodating to the last. When he has
reached the end of his days, you can save space by burying only
the "inside part" and painting the shell for use as two ashtrays.


BACK COVER COPY:

HERE'S WHAT READERS SAY ABOUT "ENJOYING AND CARING FOR THE PET
CLAM":

"No clam fancier should be without this valuable guide."
-- Sir Edmund Falls-Downing, Ph.D., D.V.M., Rear Admiral


"Best chowder I've ever tasted!"
-- Chef "Boomer" Raviolio, Buster's Tavern and Gourmet
Chow Spot


"Once I put it down, I couldn't pick it up again."
-- Melanie Tewe, Tewe and Froh, Upson Downs, Pellets.,
Goomshire, Furg., England

"I still don't get it."
-- M. Dukakis, Brookline, Massachusetts


WINNER OF THE POLITZER PRIZE!

Al Politzer, of Omaha, says "This book takes the prize!"