This Just In...

THIRD WORLD BUS PLUNGES KILL DOZENS

In recent weeks, a number of buses have plunged into ravines, canyons, crevasses, and random excavations in Third World countries, killing dozens of people, as well as a fair amount of livestock. Property losses are estimated in the tens of dollars.

Traffic safety organizations around the globe have responded to this recent rash of accidents by issuing a record number of press releases. News anchors and media “talking heads” have engaged in an extreme spate of hand-waving and interviewing Ralph Nader whenever he could be found. News outlets in the U.S. have largely ignored the phenomena, or reported on it in separate, page 47, stories, secure, even smug, in the knowledge that American bus plunges are limited largely to Hollywood movies and occur in numbers fewer than the commas in the first half of this unwieldy sentence.

Attorneys have descended in record numbers on the sites of the crashes. Roland A. Long, Esq., of Long, Long, Traill and Winding, estimates that the Gross Legal Product of each of the countries which has hosted a plunge will be increased by a factor of at least 3.



MARKETS ROILED BY POLITICAL TURMOIL

Political turmoil in several countries in Africa and Asia have roiled those countries stock markets, and even caused mini- or micro-roils in markets in nearby lands.

The New York Stock Exchange, which is roiled whenever Ben Bernanke clears his throat, has largely remained unroiled by the events roiling the other markets, and roiling has been minimal in Japan, Great Britain, and Tunisia.

In one case, the near-apprehension of a high official with bags of recreational drugs caused a brief but strong spike in that country’s bourse’s roil factor. The roiling was minimal though pervasive throughout the rest of the continent. Sir Arthur Falls-Downing, Information Minister of the Foundation for Roil Analysis, commented, “As roils go, this was a relatively minor one.”

In another instance, the formation of a third political party in a country which had heretofore only had one party caused severe roiling of the market as investors sold off their holdings until they could determine whether there was, had ever been, or could be a second party. Government economic analysts pronounced themselves semi-plussed at best by the mathematics involved.

Reports on stock market roilings are being collected by several governmental and independent organizations around the globe. Civilians are invited to inform these organizations of suspected roiling by communicating with the website http://roilingroiling.org/roilreports/roil/roil.html.