Shouts and Mumbles

This Just In...

2008-05-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

THIRD WORLD BUS PLUNGES KILL DOZENS

In recent weeks, a number of buses have plunged into ravines, canyons, crevasses, and random excavations in Third World countries, killing dozens of people, as well as a fair amount of livestock. Property losses are estimated in the tens of dollars.

Traffic safety organizations around the globe have responded to this recent rash of accidents by issuing a record number of press releases. News anchors and media “talking heads” have engaged in an extreme spate of hand-waving and interviewing Ralph Nader whenever he could be found. News outlets in the U.S. have largely ignored the phenomena, or reported on it in separate, page 47, stories, secure, even smug, in the knowledge that American bus plunges are limited largely to Hollywood movies and occur in numbers fewer than the commas in the first half of this unwieldy sentence.

Attorneys have descended in record numbers on the sites of the crashes. Roland A. Long, Esq., of Long, Long, Traill and Winding, estimates that the Gross Legal Product of each of the countries which has hosted a plunge will be increased by a factor of at least 3.

MARKETS ROILED BY POLITICAL TURMOIL

Political turmoil in several countries in Africa and Asia have roiled those countries stock markets, and even caused mini- or micro-roils in markets in nearby lands.

The New York Stock Exchange, which is roiled whenever Ben Bernanke clears his throat, has largely remained unroiled by the events roiling the other markets, and roiling has been minimal in Japan, Great Britain, and Tunisia.

In one case, the near-apprehension of a high official with bags of recreational drugs caused a brief but strong spike in that country’s bourse’s roil factor. The roiling was minimal though pervasive throughout the rest of the continent. Sir Arthur Falls-Downing, Information Minister of the Foundation for Roil Analysis, commented, “As roils go, this was a relatively minor one.”

In another instance, the formation of a third political party in a country which had heretofore only had one party caused severe roiling of the market as investors sold off their holdings until they could determine whether there was, had ever been, or could be a second party. Government economic analysts pronounced themselves semi-plussed at best by the mathematics involved.

Reports on stock market roilings are being collected by several governmental and independent organizations around the globe. Civilians are invited to inform these organizations of suspected roiling by communicating with the website http://roilingroiling.org/roilreports/roil/roil.html.

A SHORT HISTORY OF COUNTING

2008-05-09T19:55:00.000-07:00

FROM BINARY TO BINARY

FADE UP ON BARREN LANDSCAPE WITH SUN RISING IN BACKGROUND.
CAVEMAN IN FUR CLOTHING IS SEEN IN MIDDLE DISTANCE.

ANNCR

In the beginning, we didn't need
computers. What we needed was
a square meal, some shoes and
rock music.

SLOW ZOOM IN TO MS OF CAVEMAN. HE HOLDS A LARGE BONE IN ONE
HAND, NOTHING IN THE OTHER.

In those days, we had only
two numbers:...

CUT TO ECU OF HAND WITH BONE

..."some..."

CUT TO ECU OF EMPTY HAND

...or "none."

CUT TO MS SHOWING BOTH HANDS

Either we had something, or
we didn't.

CAVEMAN THROWS AWAY BONE. PAN WITH HIM AS HE WALKS
AWAY.

And we never had enough of
anything to have to count it.

CAVEMAN COMES TO A CLUB LEANING AGAINST A ROCK (TREE? FIRE
HYDRANT?), PICKS IT UP AND PUTS IT ON SHOULDER.

Your average caveman could only
carry one club around at a time.
Maybe not even that after the invention
of rock music...

ANOTHER CAVEMAN CROSSES IN FRONT OF FIRST CAVEMAN, HOLDING MEDIUM
SIZED ROCK ON SHOULDER (LIKE LARGE RADIO) AND MOVING BODY AS IF
HE HEARS MUSIC.

So you either had one...

MS CAVEMAN, CLUB ON SHOULDER, LOOKING PROUDLY INTO CAMERA

or you didn't...

QUICK PAN TO SECOND CAVEMAN, LOOKING ENVIOUSLY AT CLUB

And if you turned your back on
anything for very long...

CAVEMAN TAKES CLUB OFF SHOULDER, BENDS DOWN AND LEANS IT AGAINST
TREE

somebody else had it...

PAN TO GROUND BEHIND CAVEMAN. CLUB IS THERE, LEANING AGAINST
TREE. HAND COMES INTO FRAME AND GRABS OBJECT.

...and you had none.

PAN & TILT TO CAVEMAN AS HE TURNS, REGISTERS SURPRISE AND DISMAY,
THEN TURNS TO FACE CAMERA RESIGNEDLY.

CROSSFADE TO SCENE OF GRASSLAND. SAME CAVEMAN, WITH SHEPHERD'S
STAFF, AMID FLOCK OF SHEEP.

But one day, one of us had
to learn to count.

CUT TO NIGHT SCENE. SHEPHERD SLEEPING UNDER TREE, STILL
SURROUNDED BY SHEEP.

If you don't know how many
sheep you have, you're
never sure that someone hasn't
stolen a few overnight.

FADE TO SHEPHERD WAKING AT SUNRISE, WITH THREE SHEEP AROUND.

So, we invented counting...
using our fingers.

ECU CAVEMAN'S FINGERS AS HE COUNTS TO THREE, POINTING WITH INDEX
FINGER OF OTHER HAND.

But as soon as we made a fist...

ECU FIST

...we forgot how many sheep we had.

PULL BACK TO MS OF CAVEMAN WITH FIST, SCRATCHING HEAD WITH OTHER
HAND.

Besides, if we had more than ten
sheep, we still couldn't count them.

MS OF CAVEMAN, ON BACK AMID FLOCK OF SHEEP, COUNTING TOES.

All right, maybe we could count
twenty sheep.

CROSSFADE TO CAVEMAN, AMONG SHEEP, COUNTING PEBBLES INTO PIECE OF
LEATHER AND PICKING UP THIS POUCH.

So the first counting device
probably was a bag of
pebbles, one for each sheep.
This led to the first practical
joke...

CROSSFADE TO SHEPHERD ASLEEP ON HILLSIDE, SURROUNDED BY SHEEP.
HAND ENTERS FRAME, TAKES BAG OF PEBBLES, ADDS A FEW, AND RETURNS
BAG TO CAVEMAN.

CROSSFADE TO CAVEMAN AWAKENING AT SUNRISE. HE LOOKS AT BAG OF
PEBBLES, THEN LOOKS AT FLOCK OF SHEEP AND LOOKS ALARMED.

FADE OUT ON LS OF CAVEMAN RUNNING OFF INTO DISTANCE, LOOKING FOR
"MISSING" SHEEP.

FADE UP ON CAVEMAN IN TOGA WRITING "MCDLXXVI" ON SLATE.

Eventually, we invented writing,
and we could keep track of our
numbers without the bag of pebbles.

ROMAN WRITES "TIMES MCMLXXV" ON SLATE AND LOOKS PUZZLED.

But then came arithmetic...

CROSSFADE TO CAVEMEN IN ARAB BURNOOSE POINTING TO A BLACKBOARD
WITH "632" ON IT, AND "ONES" UNDER THE "2," "TENS" UNDER THE "3,"
AND "HUNDREDS" UNDER THE SIX.

And some new numbers.

ARAB BRINGS A "0" TO BOARD, MOVES THE "6" LEFTWARDS, SO IT IS
OVER AN ENTRY "THOUSANDS," AND PUTS THE "0" OVER THE "HUNDREDS"
LABEL.

After we invented counting,
writing and mathematics,
we could start inventing the
computer.

CUT TO MS OF CAVEMAN IN CHINESE COSTUME, HOLDING ABACUS

The Chinese invented the abacus,
probably the first machine for
doing mathematics.

RAPID CUTS TO NAPIER'S BONES, PASCAL'S CALCULATOR, BABBAGE'S
DIFFERENCE ENGINE AND THEN ANALYTICAL ENGINE, THE SLIDE RULE,
HOLLERITH CARDS, JACQUARD LOOM, HARVARD MARK I COMPUTER, ENIAC,
AN EARLY IBM, THE CRAY-1.

The pace of invention picked
up considerably and is still
accelerating today. Computers
are not only getting faster
and more powerful, they're
also getting smaller.

RAPID CUTS FROM EARLY IBM TO DEC MINICOMPUTER, TRS-80 DESKTOP
SYSTEM, APPLE II, OSBORNE OR KAYPRO, RADIO SHACK MODEL 100 OR
EQUIVALENT, AND SMALL POCKET COMPUTER.

Computers can't get much smaller,
because we still have to...

CAVEMAN'S HAND APPROACHES POCKET COMPUTER KEYBOARD

work them with our fingers.

PULL BACK TO MS OF CAVEMAN HOLDING POCKET COMPUTER IN ONE HAND
AND PRESSING KEYS WITH OTHER.

And...not only are we back to counting
on our fingers...but did you know
that computers actually count with
only our original two numbers..."some"
...and "none"?

CROSSFADE TO REPEAT OF MS OF CAVEMAN WITH BONE IN ONE HAND AND
OTHER HAND EMPTY.

But that's another story.

FADE OUT ON CAVEMAN THROWING AWAY BONE AND WALKING AWAY.

JACK AND THE BIENSTOCK BUILDING

2008-04-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

by Charles Durang

In a country not far from here once lived an old woman and her son, Jack. They were very poor and, one day, the old woman called her son to her side.

"Jack," she said, "we have nothing left now but our cow, and she has gone dry. I'm afraid you must take her to the city and sell her."

So Jack set out for the Big City, leading the tired cow behind him. Soon he was back, carrying two pieces of paper.

"Jack," said his mother, "what are those pieces of paper? And where is the money for selling the cow?"

"Mother, I have wonderful news!" cried Jack. "We will soon be rich, for I have made two Big Deals in the city." Jack's mother, knowing that her son was a good boy but not all that bright, waited apprehensively for him to explain. "I have here a deed to a very busy bridge, for which I traded the cow. Within a few days, all the tolls which are collected at this bridge will begin to arrive in our mailbox!"

"Oh, Jack," cried the old woman, "you are a fool and an oaf, for you have fallen for the oldest shuck in the book." And she began to cry.

"Not only that, Mother," Jack went on relentlessly, "but I have traded our little home for an interest in a big building which will be built right here, on this very spot, starting tomorrow!"

"Oh, curses and twaddle, you wretched rube! Where shall we live?"

"Do not cry, Mother," Jack said. "I was told that we may stay in the paint shed while the building is going up, and shall have a room in the basement right beside the boiler for as long as we wish." The old woman subsided and began to pack her few possessions in an old cavalry footlocker.

The next day, sure enough, many men and machines arrived at the farm and began to work noisily. Within a week, a vast building was growing toward the sky. Jack watched in amazement from a nearby hill.

Soon the building had grown one hundred stories tall, and Jack and his mother moved into their new apartment, which they shared with the boiler, the fuse box, four hundred garbage cans and three shovels.

"Jack, I shall never forgive you for this," his mother said, "that I must spend the rest of my days in this miserable room."

"Oompah," said the boiler.

One day, after weeks and months went by, and no money had ever arrived for Jack's share of the building, he decided he must do something about it, for his mother's sake. He left the little room and began to climb the stairs.

Up, up, up he climbed, to the twentieth story, where he stopped for lunch. Up and up, to the fiftieth floor, where he made camp for the night. And still higher, until late on the second day he reached the top floor.

There was only one door there. It said, "A.B. Bienstock, Chairman of the Board." Jack knocked politely enough. When no one answered, he opened the door. A little old man sat, with his back to Jack, hunched over a machine that went "click, click" and spat out a long strip of thin tape. Each time the machine went "click, click," the man picked up his telephone and said,

"Sell Consolidated Amalgamated."

"Buy Associated Conglomerated."

"Buy Western Eastern."

"Sell Brazil."

Jack said, "Ahem, sir..."

The man spun around in his chair. He said, "Fee, fie, fo, fum!" for his teeth had fallen out as he spun.

He bent over to pick them up. Then he said, "How did you get in here?" And into the telephone he said, "Sell Limited Incorporated."

"I am Jack," said Jack, "from the Boiler Room. I am supposed to be receiving money for selling you my house so you could put up this building."

"Preposterous and fiddle faddle," said the Chairman of the Board. "I don't make arrangements like that."

"If you please, sir, it says so here on this piece of paper," said Jack, showing him the contract. And sure enough, among all the whereases, howevers, and party of the first parts, it said so.

"Son, I am A.B. Bienstock, and this is my building. I will give you a quarter to go away." And he did. Then he turned back to his machine, which went "click, click."

"Is that a machine for making money?" asked Jack.

Without turning around, Mr. Bienstock said, "Yes. I make lots of money with it. Which is why I haven't time to talk to you. Go away."

With that, Jack ran around the big desk, snatched up the money-making machine, and ran out into the hall.

"Fee, fie, fo, fum," roared the Chairman again. Then he picked up his teeth and ran after Jack.
Jack ran down the hall to the end, but there was no doorway out, and the window didn't open. He was trapped!

As A.B. Bienstock came running toward him, Jack dropped to the floor, and the man tripped over him and crashed right through the window.

"Feeee!" he shouted as he began falling.

"Fiiiee!" he yelled at the ninety-second floor, and all the workers came to look out the windows.

"Foooe!" he said at the seventy-ninth floor, picking up speed.

"Have my chauffeur waiting at the door," he ordered as he passed the forty-fifth floor.

"Good day," he said pleasantly to the workers at the thirtieth, eighteenth, and third floors.

His car pulled up to the front door just as he arrived and crashed through the top of it. He told the chauffeur, "To the hospital," and they drove off.

Some days later, Jack and his mother were sitting in their apartment watching the money-making machine. It went "click, click," and the tape came out and said CONAM 21 1/4...EXPIM 6 7/8...GRSOU 12 1/2...

Jack said to his mother, "If we knew what that meant, we could say 'buy this' or 'sell that' on the telephone, if we had a telephone." Just then, there was a knock++on the door. Jack opened it.

It was A.B. Bienstock! He had on a lot of bandages, and one arm was in a sling. He said, "Jack, you are a rave and smart boy. Therefore, I am making you a full partner in my building. From today, half is mine and half is yours. May I have my machine back now?"

"Sure," said Jack, handing it over. "When do I start getting my half of the rent?"

Mr. Bienstock gave the machine to his chauffeur and said, "Not for a while. We haven't been able to rent any of the building since I fell out of it, and all the tenants we had have left. But here's your half of the tax bill. Good day."

Jack looked at the bill. It was for $438,651.26.

His mother began to cry and pack her footlocker.

Moral: leaving well enough alone is better than half a loaf.

THE OFFICIAL SKI MANUAL

2007-11-26T11:20:00.000-08:00

By Chuck Durang

There is doubt and much speculation about the origin of skiing. A form of locomotion as well as recreation, it probably came about early in the prehistory of the Northland. The Swedish Hoting ski, discovered in a peat bog, dates back to 2000 B.C. It may be that, as some people skiied into peat bogs, others were moved to abandon the sport. Its current renaissance began in more recent times with the advent of mass production no-deposit, no-return barrels.

NATURE OF SKIING

Skiing is the sport of propelling oneself over snow upon two boards, called skis, each about six to eight feet long and approximately three inches wide. It is similar to surfing with more boards, clothing, and Ace bandage.

There are several types of skiing: downhill, slalom, cross-country, jumping, and uphill. All require different types of skis except uphill, which is executed without skis, being the art of going back uphill to retrieve the skis you have fallen out of. We shall discuss here only downhill skiing, which is basic to other forms.

EQUIPMENT AND SAFETY

To be properly equipped for skiing, one must have skis, which are attached to boots by means of bindings. Poles are the final necessity. Luxuries include loud clothing, Blue Cross, and a large capacity for hot buttered rum. Skis must be attached to the bindings so as to fall off easily in case of emergency. Boots should be attached so as to stay on. Most Poles come from Poland. Care of the equipment is most important due to its cost as well as for reasons of safety. For utmost safety, skis should be waxed and then left on the porch where they can be stolen before going out on the slopes in them.

TECHNIQUES AND FUNDAMENTALS

The beginner should learn the art of skiing in the following steps: (1) how to put skis on and take them off (it has been suggested that it is wise to stop here), (2) how to ski on level ground, (3) correct running positions, (4) how to turn and stop, and (5) how to call for the Ski Patrol.

WALKING

Walking with skis on is impossible and should not be tried.

THE KICK TURN

Place the pole close to the tip of the left ski and the right pole back of the right ski and lifte the right ski clear and swing it around parallel tto the left ski but facing in some other direction. Transfer weight to the other ski, balance on the right pole, then swing the left ski and pole around. Tape all sprains and commence in the new direction.

UPHILL CLIMBING

There are several methods of climbing uphill in order to ski down again, none of which are correct. The semi-sidestep, on gentle slopes, consists of walking with short strides uphill at an angle. The sidestep, on steep slopes, eliminates the forward motion. The herringbone is found in the herring, a small food fish of the North Atlantic. The ski tow is a coward’s way out…

DOWNHILL RUNNING

Placing knees and skis together, push off onto the slope with the poles, and prepare to meet thy Maker. Positions for downhill running include the normal upright, with weight evenly distributed, the traverse, for crossing a slope with most of the weight on the lower leg, the lunge, with knee bent according to conditions (if conditions cause knee to bend more than 180 degrees, you are doing something wrong), and the prone, with most of the weight upon the face.

BRAKING

There are tour methods of stopping: the sideslip, single stem, double stem or snowplow, and crash. By shifting the weight while horizontal to a slope, a controlled slowing called sideslip is executed. Turning the tip of one ski out and slowing by the resulting drag is a single stem, and tuning both skis out results in either one of the last two named methods.

TURNING

The stem-turn is accomplished by removing all weight from the ski that has not been turned out, then turning it to a position parallel with the stemmng ski. The Christiana, or Christie, is a fast skid turn made by keeping the weight forward and swinging the hips to slide the back ends of the skis around. The Telemark is a turn for deep snow first used in Telemarken, Norway. It requires a protractor and shovel.

TERMINOLOGY

Fall Line- the shortest, most direct line down a slope or cliff
Gelaensprung- a jump or obstacle encountered while running downhill
Kanone- a hot-dogger
Oversprung- a Jump of 90 degrees ending in a full stop-as, off the roof of the lodge.
Ruecklage- a backward lean from the ankles
Wreckage- an extreme backward lean
Sitzmark- means exactly what you think it means
Schuss- a straight descent at high speed
Scheiss!- expostulation frequently heard at conclusion of Schuss.

The Pet Clam Owner's Manual

2007-11-20T06:29:00.000-08:00

ENJOYING AND CARING FOR THE PET CLAM
by The Clam Works

THE COMPANIONSHIP OF A CLAM

The rapidly-growing popularity of the clam as a family pet is
easy to understand. Few animals are less trouble to keep as
pets. Their needs are small, their demands minimal. Extremely
even-tempered, they seldom bite even small, boisterous children.
They never become restive on long trips or in situations that a
cat, for instance, might find very stressful. They are never
noisy, messy, or destructive, and require no grooming nor special
care of their living quarters. Their company is remarkably
soothing, and they can reduce the most intense personality to the
brink of coma.

WHERE TO GET YOUR CLAM

Pet shops are best, as with most pets. They have the knowledge
to deliver the healthiest clams, up-to-date with all their shots
and handled with care and expertise. Unfortunately, many pet
stores are reluctant to handle these creatures, as they are a
very inexpensive, hence low-profit, item. Don't take no for an
answer. Keep pestering them until they produce your clam.

Another possibility is the Marine Organism Humane Society. Look
for them in your Yellow Pages.

You can also try your town's Clam Pound.

Or just go down to the beach and pick one up.

BRINGING HOME YOUR CLAM

As soon as you arrive home with your new pet, you should take
steps to assure the animal's contentment and the bond between
you. Hold the clam to your cheek for a few hours. While doing
this, listen carefully for sounds from the shell. You may hear a
tiny heartbeat, or possibly the sounds of moving furniture. Hold
your clam closely until its breathing becomes regular. It is not
necessary to wait for purring to start; this would be a bonus.

WHERE TO KEEP YOUR CLAM

Some people keep their clams in an aquarium, similar to that used
for tropical fish. Others prefer a terrarium, sometimes shared
with turtles or gila monsters. You must be certain you have the
proper kind of clam, however, so that your new pet doesn't drown.
It is usually safest to keep your clam on your desk or under your
pillow. It is critical that you maintain the temperature in your
clam's quarters between 60 and 62 degrees Fahrenheit, or it will
die just like that.

WHAT TO FEED YOUR CLAM

No one is sure what clams like. (Alfredo DiMaggio thought he
knew, and opened a restaurant for clams in San Francisco, but it
closed in a week and a half.) To touch all bases, we recommend
immersing your clam once a week in vegetable soup, and placing it
next to a hamburger every month or so.

REPRODUCTION: WHERE CLAMS COME FROM

You should watch your clam closely if you want to witness the
miracle of life. Every twenty or thirty years, the shell will
open and a bunch of little clams will come out, not unlike clowns
from a Volkswagen. Put two clams together in a darkened shoebox
or a "Clam Motel" ($49.95 from The Clam Works) and see what
happens. Well, you can't actually see, because they won't do it
except in total darkness. But if you could see, whooeee!

TRAINING YOUR PET CLAM

Teaching clams to talk takes a long time. Like parakeets, only
longer. In fact, teaching them anything takes a long time, and
they probably can not be taught to ride bicycles or do math.
They may sing, but can not comprehend harmony or syncopation.
Other than these few limitations, clams can be trained to do
almost anything a human six-year-old can do. But you must be
patient, and not give up your efforts during the clam's lifetime.

THINGS YOU CAN DO TOGETHER

MUSIC

Listening to music is one of your clam's favorite pastimes.
Clams' musical tastes are very eclectic, and your clam will be as
happy listening to rock 'n' roll, jazz or classical music.
Country & Western does annoy them, however. Some clams like to
watch television, especially in the company of their masters, but
most quickly become bored.

MEDITATION

Be sure you allow your clam an hour or so every day to meditate.
You can tell when your clam is meditating because it will be very
quiet and will not respond to external stimuli. Best to leave it
alone at such a time, and come back later.

SPORTS AND GAMES

Most clams lack the height to play basketball, the bulk for
football, or the speed for the hundred yard dash (except under
water in a strong riptide). But their armor makes them ideal for
ice hockey, and they are especially pleased when allowed to be
goalie. Clams are short on competitive spirt, so you won't want
a clam on your team if you are obsessed with winning. On the
other hand, there is no documented case of a clam having a heart
attack on a squash court. Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Clams most enjoy non-competitive sports like sledding (they
don't even need sleds) and spin-the-bottle.

Clams do enjoy any sport that involves speed. They love to roll
down steep hills on a roller skate, but be sure they are strapped
in securely. In 1947, 641 clams rode the winning Soap Box Derby
racer in Dayton, or Toledo, or wherever they do that.

HOMEWORK

You will not have any battles over "homework time" with your
clam. In most states, clams are not allowed to go to school and,
therefore, they have no homework.

DRESSING UP

Clams rarely object when their masters dress them in goofy
clothing, so you can spend hours in such pursuits. You'll have
to accept the fact that most clothing fits your clam imperfectly,
and use your imagination. Your clam will prefer not to be
required to wear your shoes, though.

READING

In the main, clams are avid readers. Even more, they like to be
read to. Among their favorites are tales of the sea and portions
of the "C" section of the encyclopedia. They don't care if you
"act out" the stories you read to them, or use different voices
for different characters, so go ahead if you want to.

DANCING

Don't be silly.

HIDE AND SEEK

Clams are very good at hiding, and can remain still for decades
while you search for them. They hate being "it," on the other
hand, and will stubbornly refuse to even look for you.

BIRTHDAYS

Your clam will love to have a birthday party, every few weeks if
you are up to it. You can invite as many neighbor clams as you
wish. It is especially amusing to drip a little warm wax on your
clam's upper shell and place a candle right there. You will
probably hear your clam chuckle if you do this, although it is
unlikely to laugh out loud.

GIFTS

Clams are easy to buy for, as they have nothing. A few cautions:
as your clam does not have wrists, you will have to consider a
pocket watch. A sausage-and-cheese basket is always good. Clams
love scarves, but avoid plaid. No clam has ever turned down a
Lamborghini.

TRAVEL

Clams make excellent travel companions. Most airlines will not
require you to ship your clam in a carrier in the cargo hold, or
to buy a separate ticket. Your clam can ride right in your
pocket, nestled among gum wrappers and lint, and be happy as a,
er, clam.

When visiting notable historic or scenic sites, be sure to hold
your clam high over your head and turn slowly for 360 degrees, so
that he can enjoy the sights, too. It is not necessary to
respond to tactless inquiries on the part of passersby or fellow
tourists, unless they are police officers.

SHOPPING

Unlike children or spouses, clams are not very demanding on a
shopping trip. Content to be with you, they will not ask to be
bought this, or that. Given the clam's agreeable nature, women
will be pleased to find that they will stay at the mall as long
as you like without complaint, and men are usually happy to find
they are ready to leave whenever you are.

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT PET CLAMS

Clams like to write poetry. Most people don't know this, since
none of it has ever been published. With their customary
equanimity, clams are not upset by not having found the right
agent over the centuries. Most people don't read poetry, anyway,
so a large body of published clam verse would probably escape
their notice.

How do clams move around? For the first few years, they don't.
For food, they depend on something drifting by, or Domino's.
Then they build little sets of wheels (sometimes this is the
cause of those noises inside the shell that we mentioned earlier)
and extrude them when no one is looking. Actually, humans did
not invent the wheel; somebody just spotted a clam doing this
once.

When and why does the shell open? When it's good and ready. The
shell is opened to admit guests, eat a large fish, or yell.
Clams seldom yell, of course, because not much bothers them.
Don't try to open the shell by force, as this can harm or even
kill the clam. Just wait and watch for a few years, occasionally
pressing your ear to the shell and listening. If you hear no
noises from inside for a period of ten months or more, your clam
is probably dead and you may risk opening the shell.

Do clams manufacture pearls? Clams do not manufacture pearls,
unless they are oysters, and vice versa. They do manufacture
costume jewelry and bowling trophies when there are jobs open at
the plant.

WHEN YOUR PET CLAM PASSES ON

Your beloved clam is accommodating to the last. When he has
reached the end of his days, you can save space by burying only
the "inside part" and painting the shell for use as two ashtrays.

BACK COVER COPY:

HERE'S WHAT READERS SAY ABOUT "ENJOYING AND CARING FOR THE PET
CLAM":

"No clam fancier should be without this valuable guide."
-- Sir Edmund Falls-Downing, Ph.D., D.V.M., Rear Admiral

"Best chowder I've ever tasted!"
-- Chef "Boomer" Raviolio, Buster's Tavern and Gourmet
Chow Spot

"Once I put it down, I couldn't pick it up again."
-- Melanie Tewe, Tewe and Froh, Upson Downs, Pellets.,
Goomshire, Furg., England

"I still don't get it."
-- M. Dukakis, Brookline, Massachusetts

WINNER OF THE POLITZER PRIZE!

Al Politzer, of Omaha, says "This book takes the prize!"

TRAPPED ON AN ESCALATOR!

2007-11-15T16:17:00.000-08:00

An Adventure in Real Life...

by C. F. Durang

Not many who were there will ever forget the exact

time: Thursday afternoon, May 17, at 2:38 P.M. The power
went off everywhere in the distant Richmond suburb of
Fiddle River, including the mammoth Harold's Mall.
Between the third and fourth floors of Abercrombie
and Klune, the upscale department store, the escalator
came to a halt with a grinding squeal, just as the lights
went out. There was total silence for a few heartbeats,
then the agitated voices began.

"What's happened?"

"Oh, my God, we're trapped!"

"Where are you, Alice? Alice, where are you?"

"Help me, somebody help me, please!"

"Save my baby. Never mind me, save my baby..."

As the voices reached a crescendo in the dimness of
the store, where even the air conditioners were silent,
Harlan Stanwort suddenly realized what had happened.
Harlan, an assistant floorwalker in Ladies Socks and
Scarves, was on the third floor, below the trapped
people. He raced to the escalator to take charge.

"Quiet, please!" he shouted up the narrow incline.
"Quiet--don't panic! Everything will be all right if you
don't panic! If you panic, everyone will die!" This
quieted them right down.

"The first thing we have to do," Harlan shouted,
"is find out how many of you are up there. Start
counting, with number one here at the bottom. Everybody
take a number and we'll know how many there are."

"One!"

"Two!"

"Three!"

"No, I'm three!"

"No, me! I said it first!"

Harlan knew they were on the ragged edge of panic,
and if they began fighting among themselves, all would be
lost. He made a quick-thinking decision: "Okay, you can
both be three. Go on from there!"

"Four!"

"No, I'm four! I was here first..."

*** *** *** ***

High above the huddled masses, on the fifth floor,
Lorraine Quiche, a Fitter-Stretcher in the Ladies
Underwear department, heard the distant cries over the
drip of the leaky toilet in the ladies' room. She too
knew what had to be done, and rushed to the telephone.

Dialing "O" for Operator, Lorraine sobbed, "This is
Abercrombie and Klune! We need help. There are hundreds
of people trapped here between the third and fourth
floors! Send the police, the fire department, and the
credit bureau right away." Then she rushed to the inky
black stairwell to try to help.

On the fourth floor, Lorraine met Howard Feemster, a
striking auto worker from nearby Rummage Landing, and
they decided to try to help the trapped people from
above. Stripping Men's Haberdashery of neckties, they
raced to the brink of the precipice.

Two people on the very top reached out toward them
with fear and supplication in their eyes. Below they
could hear anguished voices calling:

"Sixteen!"

"No, I'm sixteen!"

"Neither of you are--I am!"

Lorraine and Howard forced themselves to ignore the
desperate people only inches away from them--so near, yet
so far--while quickly knotting ties together until they
had a line several yards long. Then, tying one end
around the leg of a display mannequin, they tossed the
other to the closest people, only to watch in horror as
they began to fight over the end of the lifeline, a blue-
and-grey Pierre Cardin rep-stripe.

"Stop that, for God's sake," yelled Howard, bashing
the nearest combatant with a freestanding ashtray. "You
have to help each other. Wait your turn, knot the line
around your waist, and we'll pull you up!"

*** *** *** ***

As the pumper from Company 2 screeched to a halt in
front of the ominously darkened store, Ralph Digby leaped
from his spot on the running board and sprinted toward
the scene of the disaster. With one swing of his axe, he
opened the unlocked door and stepped into the silent
Sportswear department. A wild-eyed clerk from Candy and
Diet Foods ran up to him, babbling almost incoherently.

"Upstairs! Upstairs! Between the third and fourth...oh,
my God, the humanity..." She subsided into a table of
shorts and Digby headed for the stairwell, taking the
steps two at a time and slicing his left shin with his
axe.

As he emerged onto the third floor and stood with
blood filling his left boot, the enormity of the task
struck him. Harlan Stanwort was almost in tears trying to
keep order, as he shouted up the paralyzed escalator.
And worse, the air conditioning was gone, and people were
starting to sweat!

Looking down, Ralph noticed that water was rising on
the floor; it was already two inches deep. "Where's that
coming from?" he snapped at Harlan.

"From upstairs...from upstairs. There's firemen up
there hosing down the whole floor."

"My God," said Ralph Digby. "Is there a fire up
there?"

"No, no fire. But there are firemen, and that's
what they do!"

Digby knew he had to get that water stopped before
it was too late. But with the escalator out, how to
communicate with the men on the fourth?
Before he could even think about that, another
crisis: a body came hurtling down the escalator's
handrail, clutching two and a half neckties and
shrieking, "Damned cheap neckties! I'm doomed!" The
body rocketed off the handrail and plunged into a living
room set, on sale, fortunately landing in an overstuffed
sofa.

"That's it!" Digby cried. He yelled to Harlan,
"Get all the soft furniture you can at the foot of the
escalator--and put some under the whole length of it just in
case--then get them to come down the bannister!" Then he rushed
to the stairwell, leaving Harlan Stanwort to labor heroically
under his orders.

*** *** *** ***

On the fourth floor, Lorraine and Howard were
running out of neckties and hope, when Digby burst out of
the stairwell door.

"The water! Where's the water coming from?"
Howard gestured wearily to the far side of the
store, and Digby raced between the bras and girdles until
he came to a team of firefighters hosing down a trio of
looters under the watchful eye of Hamilton St. Rudge, the
store detective.

"Stop!" Ralph Digby cried. "Stop the water! It's
filling up the third floor." He slipped on the wet tiles
and skidded into the moistened malefactors, but his
message had gotten through. One of the firemen went to
call a halt to the water.

*** *** *** ***

Meanwhile, on the third floor, Digby's plan was
working. Most of the frightened shoppers had been safely
evacuated by means of the handrail, although one had
fallen from halfway up and exploded a beanbag chair
Harlan had placed under the escalator for just such an
eventuality.

One small child, afraid to mount the handrail,
remained on the escalator, halfway between the floors.
Harlan Stanwort inched his way up, hand over hand, foot
over foot, and carried the child to the safety of the
fourth floor.

Just then, as if on a signal from above, the lights
and the air conditioning came back on, and the escalator
began to move.

"Thank God," said Lorraine Quiche.

Howard Feemster ruefully shook his head and said,
"I'll be sticking to the elevators for a while."

*** *** *** ***

Lorraine, Howard, Harlan and Ralph Digby were all
given the keys to Fiddle River by a grateful mayor and a
cheering populace in a ceremony at Harold's Mall the
following day. Tragically, Ralph had to be released from
the town jail where he had been dragged with the soggy
pile of fourth-floor looters, and has permanently lost
the use of his left boot.

Things have returned to normal in Fiddle River, but
a small plaque at the foot of the third floor escalator
in Abercombie and Klune is a permanent reminder of that
heroic day--not that anyone who was there can ever
forget!

###

Images of the Author

2007-11-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

Here is the author at work, attempting to set a recent post to music. The result was a Concerto for Fnorton and Harp.

The Fnorton is a woodwind instrument about 25 feet long, with a mouthpiece at each end, and the place where the music comes out in the middle. It is played by blowing in one end, then running to then other end and blowing there. Modulating the two blowings creates the resulting tone. Thus, besides musical talent, the performer must possess great foot speed.

The world's foremost fnorton virtuoso, Sir Edmund Falls-Downing, participated in the first public performance of the concerto, with the harpist Edna St. Louis Missouri. The event was pleasing visually as well as musically, as the fnorton occupied most of width of the stage, and the harp was placed perpendicular to it. While Miss Missouri remained calmly seated, Mr. Falls-Downing raced back and forth behind the fnorton.

Unfortunately, tragedy struck during the adagio third movement, when Mr. Falls-Downing turned the wrong way and ran in front of the fnorton, causing him to go right through the harp.

His friends and music lovers may visit him in the hospital, Our Lady of Perpetual Remittance, in rooms 246 through 253.